Open one when you miss me

Number 5

So I just came back to my dorm, from a workshop that this dance team in UCSC has. I noticed my phone was dying, so I decided to go get my charger beside my bed. My body moved, but when going to my bed, I accidentally push the jar which made it fall, and it hit the bed frame, then the side of my desk, and it ended up breaking. I let out a huge “fuck” and just calmed myself down. How the hell did I let this happen…

"I fucking miss you… All day, ever day, and you can’t even imagine how pathetic it makes me feel, because I don’t even know if you miss me back.

For some reason, the way I read this made it seem like you were in pain, and you saying this to me. It really reminds me of Saturday… I miss you, and I’m sorry for breaking the jar. I’m also sorry for what happened on Saturday because I couldn’t think of anything at that moment. I hope what I said yesterday made you feel better, and gave you a better understanding of how I see the situation. Anyways, hopefully I can see you tonight. 

"Open one when you miss me"

Number 4

Things were going well, and I was enjoying how we were able to pick things up so quickly. We skyped, and I had to go somewhere else, I promised to call you back, but I forgot. I’m sorry :/… and I miss you.. So I guess when I got back to my dorm, I decided to open another.

"I’d rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else. I’d rather be beside you in a storm than be safe and warm by myself. I’d rather have hard times together than to have it easy apart. I’d rather have the one who holds my heart."

I thought to myself, “How can I let go of someone so perfect”, and “How can I hurt someone so sweet”. It pains me so much that I almost, or about to lose you. It hurts even more knowing my roommate’s girlfriend is sleeping over tonight.

"Open one when you miss me"

There’ll be a total of 14 of these posts with the same title. This is so I know, and you know I’ve opened one and kept track. I’ll also write the number in the beginning, write the quote, and express my feelings towards it. There were originally 15, but I didn’t think of this until now. So let me include the previous note inside this post.

Number 9.
The words, “Open one when you miss me”, echoed inside my head, and I indeed missed you. I opened one. It says, “My love for you comes with a lifetime guarantee.”. By then, I had stopped crying, but reading that made me tear up again. I couldn’t help but to laugh at myself, mumbling the words, “I sure did fuck up.” I looked at my friend, saying with a smile, “You know, this is what I love about him. He does these things, that anyone would die for. He sure is a keeper, and I do not deserve any of this. I know he’ll find someone who will appreciate all this, as much as I do. He deserves it.”

Number 6
I admit it. I do miss him. The words, “Bubba!” continuously replay in my head, especially the reaction you have when I just return/appear from somewhere. The tone of bliss and excitement along with the little pet name. Oh how I missed it. And because of this, I decided to open one.
“Since day 1, you can make me laugh without even saying anything. Or doing anything. Sometimes I just think of something you said, and it makes laugh, like days later.” This reminds me of the time where I saw a video of you cracking up for no reason. It was cute. And now I begin to remember all the times you laughed at me when we skyped. Your cheesy smile and your eyes disappearing every time. That sincere smile with your chuckle just melts my heart. And so I tear up thinking of the past, and in fear of losing it in the future.

13/15 left. Day one since the incident. Your jar remains on my desk, waiting to be opened. When all is opened, I will lay all of them onto the table, and tape it in order from 1-15.

Things you should know…

I couldn’t think of the words then, but I am able to now. After leaving your place, I told one of your housemates to keep an eye on you. I know I did something very wrong, but I care about you still. I can’t take care of you, and I’m sure you don’t want me to, so I insisted and begged a bit for one of them to watch over you, in order for you to not do anything so hasty. With that said, moments after I stepped out of your place and walked to a well-known spot, I called a friend to pick me up. He’s my coffee-friend. One who will be there for me, and I knew that he would be able to give me a ride. He knew something was wrong when my voice began to break as I told him where I was. 

As I waited for him to come, I stayed on the outside of Safeway. I couldn’t do much but to cry and regret. I didn’t want any of this to happen, and I don’t know why I allowed it. I think I broke down like 4 times before my friend arrived. I was a mess. When I got into his car, I couldn’t help but to cry even more. He asked me questions like.. “What’s wrong?”, “Do you want to go home?”, “Do you want to go somewhere quiet?”. I agreed to go somewhere quiet, but I didn’t know where, and I didn’t care where. I just needed to escape.

We ventured onto the top of a mountain/hill at Bernal Heights and we just sat there. I began to think and spill. I then realized that I am afraid of everything. I was afraid of commitment, but aside that, I had no right to do what I did. I shut down when in tough situations like that. I couldn’t do anything but look down and close my eyes, in hopes to escape. This is why I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t choose to, I just couldn’t. 

After about 2 hours of just sitting and talking, we went back to the car. By then, my mood as lightened. As I sat down onto my seat, a jar, given by you, was sitting on the ground. The words, “Open one when you miss me”, echoed inside my head, and I indeed missed you. I opened one. It says, “My love for you comes with a lifetime guarantee.”. By then, I had stopped crying, but reading that made me tear up again. I couldn’t help but to laugh at myself, mumbling the words, “I sure did fuck up.” I looked at my friend, saying with a smile, “You know, this is what I love about him. He does these things, that anyone would die for. He sure is a keeper, and I do not deserve any of this. I know he’ll find someone who will appreciate all this, as much as I do. He deserves it.”

And so, I’ll go back to college tomorrow, bringing along the letter and the jar, which I promised that I would never throw away (I wouldn’t have thrown it away, even if I hadn’t promised you). 

Stay The Night / Clarity -- Zedd
Piano Arrangement: TalkWithYourFingers

(Source: the-uchiha-avenger, via wilburchannn)

August

I guess I should start doing these, My monthly depression post. So at least once a month, I get a little depressed. I start to dwell within my mind about life and what’s happening.

Well, for the month of August, I guess the main topics that seem to be causing a big fuss is the fact that I’m jobless, moving to college in a month, and someone that I like.

So throughout my summer of 2014, it should be the longest summer of my academic career. I’ve had from mid May to late September. I planned ahead to search for jobs during the summer because I’ll basically have 4 months of free time. Currently it is month 3, and I’ve given up on looking for jobs. I was offered a job at target, but commute would be a great hassle, so I rejected the job (which I currently regret). I’ve also been rejected by 3/4 positions at some companies, and so I’ve given up on doing so, I can’t help but to think that I’m wasting my time. I’ve done nothing productive over my break, and I contemplate the thought of what am I doing in life.

College begins on October 2nd, but move in date is September 28th. It’s August 17 and college is creeping up. Before I know it, I’ll be living in a dorm, without anybody to take care of me. I’ll be in a new area, which I’m not familiar and forced to be accustomed to, and I will not know who is around me. Nobody is there to watch over my every move to guide me what is right and wrong, and the fact of being an individual, isolated from my natural habitat, is just frightening. Transition from high school to college will be difficult, especially because my high school definitely did not prepare me. But I believe that I can sustain academically. I am just afraid of the lifestyle and the people that I’ll be facing… Don’t forget… During this summer, I’ve met someone new.

This someone new is currently someone who I plan to stay committed to. I’ve tried my best to maintain integrity and loyalty to this person, but I don’t know what they want. Do they want me? That’s the situation in which I don’t enjoy encountering when dating. I know what I want, but I don’t know what they want. I get signals, but am I reading them wrong? Regardless, I do not want to intimidate them but confronting them of the situation. I can guarantee that they do care for me, and that whenever I see this person, they become a bit more bubbly. They’ve also said a few things in which makes me quite happy, but once again, what is their intention? I’m going off to college, but you’ve also mentioned you can visit. Now all I do is wait for you to make a move or not. Regardless, I know what I want, and it’s you. So let’s take it slow, and I’ll see how this all plays out.

It’s too early to sleep… Snap me!
@fattimon

Sometimes I wonder if whatever is happening, is actually happening, or is it just the way I see it that makes it seems so good. I have a habit of over-romanticizing small things that I do with people and I’m afraid that I might be doing it again. I really do enjoy the time we spend, but I don’t know how all of this is to you.

Lol getting me heated. Now I’ll just take my anger out on ranked.

Can’t believe you even have the audacity to think you have shit to say over mine. Do you even think about others other than yourself? I mean since you just love time to yourself, let’s just leave it that way. Seeya never~

Nobody is ever awake at this time… Makes me feel so lonely :/..

wtfaxelaozaru-deactivated201408:
How was your day?

Well the day just started! It’s 3;05. haha But as of 7/11, it went by pretty smoothly