Things you should know…
I couldn’t think of the words then, but I am able to now. After leaving your place, I told one of your housemates to keep an eye on you. I know I did something very wrong, but I care about you still. I can’t take care of you, and I’m sure you don’t want me to, so I insisted and begged a bit for one of them to watch over you, in order for you to not do anything so hasty. With that said, moments after I stepped out of your place and walked to a well-known spot, I called a friend to pick me up. He’s my coffee-friend. One who will be there for me, and I knew that he would be able to give me a ride. He knew something was wrong when my voice began to break as I told him where I was.
As I waited for him to come, I stayed on the outside of Safeway. I couldn’t do much but to cry and regret. I didn’t want any of this to happen, and I don’t know why I allowed it. I think I broke down like 4 times before my friend arrived. I was a mess. When I got into his car, I couldn’t help but to cry even more. He asked me questions like.. “What’s wrong?”, “Do you want to go home?”, “Do you want to go somewhere quiet?”. I agreed to go somewhere quiet, but I didn’t know where, and I didn’t care where. I just needed to escape.
We ventured onto the top of a mountain/hill at Bernal Heights and we just sat there. I began to think and spill. I then realized that I am afraid of everything. I was afraid of commitment, but aside that, I had no right to do what I did. I shut down when in tough situations like that. I couldn’t do anything but look down and close my eyes, in hopes to escape. This is why I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t choose to, I just couldn’t.
After about 2 hours of just sitting and talking, we went back to the car. By then, my mood as lightened. As I sat down onto my seat, a jar, given by you, was sitting on the ground. The words, “Open one when you miss me”, echoed inside my head, and I indeed missed you. I opened one. It says, “My love for you comes with a lifetime guarantee.”. By then, I had stopped crying, but reading that made me tear up again. I couldn’t help but to laugh at myself, mumbling the words, “I sure did fuck up.” I looked at my friend, saying with a smile, “You know, this is what I love about him. He does these things, that anyone would die for. He sure is a keeper, and I do not deserve any of this. I know he’ll find someone who will appreciate all this, as much as I do. He deserves it.”
And so, I’ll go back to college tomorrow, bringing along the letter and the jar, which I promised that I would never throw away (I wouldn’t have thrown it away, even if I hadn’t promised you).